The Making of a Lesbian Mom

Roller Coaster Hormones Ahead! Hold On!

2007-07-13T19:18:00.000-07:00

Today I learned another symptom of pregnancy...I'll call it m/s. Morning Sickness? no. Mood Swings.

Now I have noticed Catherine getting a little teary for a few days, but I didn't comment on it. Truth be told, she has these weepy tendancies. Goddess forbid, if I called attention to them BEFORE this, I would get a verbal smackdown involvign my coldness and insensitivity. Since its partly true, I never really minded. Well, Catherine DP (thats During Pregnancy) has been given to weepies. The other day while recounting a story about a hard working student I saw them leak out. But I said nothing!

Today we are talking and Catherine aplogized for being so sleepy. I told her that it was very understandable, and I appreciated all of the sacrifices she was making for our family. Though I miss her (due to work schedule and a hefty napping schedule) I was fine with it, and that she had no cause for worry. Uh oh. The tears. Just a few.

I console, explain that its to be expected, I know its hard, etc. More tears. Crap.

I explain again. No listening. Just tears. Eventually they wind down. Phew! I joke a little, and get her to laugh. Then I did the wrong thing... I doodled a sad face with tears on a scrap of paper to make her laugh. It didn't make her laugh.

From here it was a ping pong game of emotions. Tears as she exclaims "you drew me with a sad face!" and giggles as she realizes how silly she sounds...I try patience, then I do let a little laughter slip. It was funny! Seeing a grown woman weep over a doodle of a crying woman! Deep in her heart, even she knew this! Hence the laughter and tears. Boing, Boing, Set, Serve!

She eventually recovered by scribbling on me with the pen with which I had been doodling. We laughed, and went to eat dinner. There was a little whining about dinner vs. sleeping (on Catherine's part, oh yee of little faith!) but all was well. After some food and relaxing, even Catherine could look back and laugh at her moods!

Its gonna be a long 35 weeks! :)

Procrastination

2007-07-10T19:48:00.000-07:00

Well, today has been about cooking, surfing the net, and doing basically anything I can think of OTHER than the work that I should be doing. This is very unlike me! I am a work before pleasure sort. A few days of liesure and I am wont to do anything else!

Oh well, I won't deny reality any longer!

Just a quick check in. Things are going well. Catherine is very tired today, and napped for 3 hours AND went to bed at 8:30. She was a little more nauseas today, but she is hanging in there. It is the first real back to work day that she has had since school got out. That alone is exhausting.

I am also pondering how to tell people that Catherine is pregnant. In particular, a friend who has had trouble ttc. I know how painful it was for me to hear of other pregnancies. I hate causing that pain to someone else. Ergh.

Things to look forward to...

2007-07-05T19:29:00.000-07:00

So today Catherine went in for her hCg and things look great!! 533! Our baby is so advanced already!

We are so excited, we went out and bought the timeless: What to Expect When you are Expecting. I am also determined to make sure Catherine is eating well. I am becoming down-right domestic! I made a big grocery list, and we went to Whole Foods to buy things like wheat germ and whole wheat flour. Catherine even ate some yogurt! (Confession: She realized later it was yogurt made from Water Buffalo milk...I kid you not. It was actually quite good and very high in Omega-3s. She wished she didn't find that out, but she promised to continue eating it as it was tasty.)

She has a little nausea, but seems better when she is eating small things more often. I made a delicious lemon chicken on the grill tonight. It was my first foray into grilling, and I thought I was going to light the house on fire, but dinner (and the house) was fine!

Now it is waiting, but a different, more exciting wait! We have our ultrasound on the 20th. I can't believe we will be in our 6th week then! Since they count from the date of last mentral period, Catherine is considered 4 weeks pregnant today, though she only conceived two weeks ago. I, personally, think that this means that our baby is very advanced, and has aged four weeks while only being in existence for two. Go us!

We watched a documentary on R famly vacations, and once again tears were shed. I can't wait to go on one of them!

As for the things to look forward to, well...

Catherine's breast development has started. Now it is only a development of color, but it promises so much! haha!

I am a sap.

2007-07-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

OK, I admit it, I am a sap. Today I watched "If These Walls Could Talk pt. II." After drooling over the tres hot Chloe Sivigny and the loverly Michelle Williams, I succumbed and watched the Ellen and Sharon Stone episode. I admit it. I cried. Just a little.

This is sinking in now. Its real.

Her blood elvels looked good...a high hCG. The say it isn't necessary, but I want Catherine to get another one on Thursday so we can compare.

And see- I am already better at blogging!

A True MITM

2007-07-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

I know I have been silent for a while. I wish I could have been better, but it was hard to read about my hopes and then post about my sadness.

But now...

I am truly a Mom in the making!!! Catherine is pregnant! We are going to have a baby! I am so nervous and scared and ecstatic and shocked! We had planned on trying IVF, but we needed two more iui's to have it covered by insurance. We were so good about not obsessing over every ache, pain, or twinge of nausea. Then, lo and behold...a positive on Saturday mornings test!

I used to imagine what it would be like. Would Cat tell me? Would we call my mom? Would we scream? cry? hear it from a blood test? In the end, it went like this:

Catherine thought about POAS on friday night. I said, go ahead. I wasn't very excited, neither was she, so I assured her I wouldn't be crushed this time. I was just waiting for IVF. We looked, and there was a hint of a line, but nothing we could call a positive. We shrugged it off. I didn't really obsess over it. I mentioned it to my mom, but we had low hopes and no expectations. On Saturday we slept until 9:00. Catherine said she wasn't sure she would test, and I said to go ahead and try it. When she came back I asked "anything?" She said, "yea...I think its a negative." I was annoyed, because that wasn't something, it was a nothing. Why did she say yes. Then she said, "wait, come look at this." I went over and saw a line that had appeared. Unlike previous tests that make a plus, the "key" to this test said a positive was just a line. We looked some more, and went to ask my mother. Cautious optimism!

Later that day, Catherine bought 10 more tests. Yes, ten. She tried two of them and I heard her say "wow!" Clear blue easy digitial said it loud and clear: pregnant! Since then she has taken all 10 tests, and they all agree. She is pregnant!!!!

We went to our doctor today and got the "welcome to the first trimester" packet of info. We have bought 2 pregnancy books and have planned how to save money, buy a car, and more. We are shocked and happy...and I am also so scared!

I am so scared of wanting this so much. I am so scared that it might not be real. Please be real! Please be healthy!! I have read so many scary stories, I have to remind myself that people DO get pregnant and DO carry their babies to a happy, healthy 9 mos.

Our due date is 3/14....pi day! It MUST be fate!

Goddess, watch over us now! We need it! I dont care about anything, as long as my wife and our baby are healthy and happy!

I want to be better about this journal, but everything seems a little easier, if not a whole lot scarier, now!

Howdy from the land of the TWW

2007-05-28T19:01:00.000-07:00

Alas, no BFP yet. April was too hard to blog about, so pardon my silence.

Work has been busy. The end of the year is rapidly approaching and it seems that everyone has 15 meetings that MUST occur before June. Yippee.

We are trying to sell our condo. So between that and trying to have a baby, no big stress : ).

C went through a bunch of tests and procedures....all good news. Now we wait.

In some ways it seems easier this month. I have fewer hopes, at least day 4 I do. Who knows what I'll be like day 14! Egads.

~D

Catching Up...

2007-03-11T12:09:00.000-07:00

As it is probably easy to surmise fomr the lack of postings, Cat is not pregnant. We were disappointed, but not devastated. We were hopeful for a while, and took a few prenancy tests. When each came back we assured ourselves it was really to early to test (which it was) but the irrefutable proof came when Cat got her period.

As the next month rolled along, we ordered up some Jack and prepared to wait. Unfortunately, Cat became ill before we could inseminate. She was in the hospital for a few days, and though everything is ok now, we didn't want to risk pushing things by trying to inseminate. We were disappointed, but I was relieved that Cat was fine and that we would be able to try again soon.

Cat is due to get her period soon, and so we hope to try again at the end of the month. This month seemes to be going so slowly!!! Our very good friends just found out that they are going to have a baby...a surprise, but not an unpleasant one for them. We are so happy for them! But, of course, we are also a bit jealous. We keep reminding ourselves of how wonderful it will be when we also are pregnant because we will be able to share in this process with our friends. I am looking forward to many park trips, zoo outings, and more!

Until ovulation, we wait and hope.

The Wait

2007-01-28T18:06:00.000-08:00

Well, things have taken a turn...

In a fit of over eagerness, Cat and I purchased some LH detectors adn used them days before we thought there was any real chance over ovulation. Lo and behold! On day three, almost 5 days earlier than we thought, a dark line appeared! This was all on Friday morning. Jack was due to arrive in Wellesley on Monday!

A flurry of phone calls, a rush trip for a blood test and a lot of rearranging and begging later, we had arranged for Jack to arrive overnight, and for a practioner to do our IUI on Saturday morning.

Catherine's blood levels showed a viable egg, and Jack's little guys were active swimmers, so now we wait. The procedure was a little hard for Catherine, and we hope that that everything still went well. The nurse said she thinks it has a good chance, and that most of the sample was in the cervix. Some flashback occured, but Catherine is going to work on relaxation techniques so that she can take the next IUI a little easier.

So, in a week or two we will try a test and hope for the best. If not, we get ready for a "do over" at the end of the month. May the Goddess bless us!!

To tell or not to tell...

2007-01-12T18:25:00.000-08:00

Our nephew/friend/adopted college aged son is ocming over for the weekend. Yippee!

Question: Do we shre our plans or wait until Catherine is preggers?

On Tuesday we order up Jack...

A short weekend away this weekend. Should be nice!

~peace out

The L Word made me sad...

2007-01-11T17:36:00.000-08:00

It was sad to see two lesbian moms (or at one time lesbian moms) fighting over their daughter. Though I am in a better situation because Catherine and I are married, it is still a good reminder just how scary things can be.

Catherine and I spoke about talking to lawyers ASAP to get things doubly all set with legality, etc. Its too big of a risk not to...for our sake and our child's.

In the mean time we have been looking at adoption too. I want to pursue both options now, and as one proves to be harder, know that we have the other in the works too. I know that we both plan on adopting some day, so any work we do to learn about it is only going to benefit us in a few years. Also, if the pregnancy thing proves to be too big of a problem, we will not have to start again at point zero.

So, in that vein, we will be going to a DSS meeting in January to learn more. Since race and gender are not important to us, I am hoping it is a real possibility that this could also be a good fit.

Over and out.

Aunt Flo!!

2007-01-10T17:07:00.000-08:00

She has paid us a visit! Woohoo....looks like the 31st or 1st now.

Speaking of Florence, it looks like she is stopping by my place too.

Woohoo. Party at our house.

No Gnus is Good Gnus?

2007-01-09T18:16:00.000-08:00

The painters and decorators haven't stopped by yet...

Long days at work...Students are good, but require a lot of energy!

A questioning colleague who is pregnant herself is getting closer to asking us if we are trying AI. She and her had a son a few years ago and she is pregnant with a girl they have named Catherine, ironically. We have asked her a few questions, apparently none to subtly despite our attempts.

Looking into acupuncture and massage.

twiddling my thumbs.

Release Date...

2007-01-08T18:27:00.000-08:00

So, we called today to see how much sperm we should order. 20 vials on tap. How much to order? Then we realized we need to figure out if that 20 is a final amount. No, we were told reassuringly, he was an active donor with a release date of March something or other. 20 more vials coming right up. Of course this calls to mind images of donor 5750 doing an adult version of the peepee dance, of buckets, and warnings of "stand backs!!" A release sometime in March? Keep it flowing!!

Other than that, today was filled with discussions of whether or not her period was arriving (not today) and signing up for our sperm bank account (release, anyone?)

Wifey and I count days and try to see if there is a chance her ovulation will interfere with midterms. Goddess only knows. If her period holds of another day we may be in the clear!

We still want to tell people so badly...but for now we hold our tongues....Heck, if donor 5750 can hold it until March, we can hold our tongues a little longer!

(Sorry for all of the release puns...its my 13 year old sense of humor)

Jack

2007-01-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

Thats the name of our anonymous sperm donor...or rather, that is what we have decided to call him. Obvious reasons.

Its hard not to tell everyone that we see that we are starting our family. I want to call up friends and coworkers...I want to stop people on the street. As of now just my family and two close friends know. We are wary of telling too many people too fast and having well intentioned questions about progress end up hurting us.

My mother tried to get pregnant with me for 15 monthes, and she said that comments could be very painful. She warned me that every period arriving could make you collapse on the floor in tears. I am not by nature a patient person, and so Catherine and I decided to take our time announcing things until she was pregnant.

This also has practical implications, as we work at the same school. If our boss knew we were trying he could pass us by for many opportunities. This may take a while, or it may take a month. Goddess, I hope :)

I find myself playing percentage games in my head, similar to when my father was ill. When he was ill we would read about survival rates. 7% made me picture 13 people in a line. Well, he was stronger than most...knock out 4 of them. He wanted to survive more than many others...down go 3 more. Suddenly its looking like 50% in my head...1 out of 2! Of course he would survive. Of course, number games meant nothing, and his cancer was like nothing I had ever seen. Still, I can't help thinking that we want this more than any one else. Catheirne is fertile and ovulatory. The donor has fathered children before....the percentages climb in my mind. I don't want math to let me down again...but I know it very well might.

Tomorrow I am going to the OB/GYN office to speak with our fertility nurse. I want to know how much of Jack to order. Should we buy in bulk? I also want to know how many times we will inseminate. Do we do it several times while she is fertile, or just once? So many questions!

Until we can talk to everyone and anyone it has been helpful to connect with people online.

Over and out.

Taking the First Step...and the Second.

2007-01-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

We are in line to get on the TTC rollercoaster at the end of this month!

If step one is deciding we are ready, buying a lot of books, talking, crying, and talking some more, then we have done that one. If step two is choosing a sperm bank and a donor, check that one off too! Choosing names...well we had that one down ages ago! Mike, after my dad.

A little bit about us first: We have been together for 7 years, married for 4 years, and legally married for 2.5. We are very close to my family, inluding my mother, adult brother, and 12 and 10 year old Chinese sisters. We have little to no contact with my wife's family (mutual decision.) Three years ago, my father die suddenly of skin cancer. We had been extremely close. We moved out of our condo in JP and moved back to the burbs to help my mom with my sisters, and to pull together as a family. Soon we will build a bigger house for us all to share, with our wing and my mom's wing. For now, we live in a big house together. We love it, but it is a loud, crazy house! When we have kids they will live in this town too. They will go to my old elementary school, and my wife, mother, brother and sisters and I will love them like crazy.

In the past few monthes our family plans have undergone a restructuring. Since my two sisters are adopted from China, and I love them like no others, international adoption has always been something close to my heart. When we found out that we could not adopt internationally because we were legally married, we couldn't believe it! It made us committed to beginning our family.

Though adoption will definitely be a part of our lives, we decided to look closer at having a biological child. This is where I faced the mot difficult realization: I could not be the one to carry our child in my womb. Due to some health issues I had, carrying a child would be dnagerous for me and our baby. Even taking hormones to try to harvest my egg could be difficult. Surprisingly, my wife looks like she may have a relatively easy time conceiving, at least comparatively. It was not what we had planned, and so after a lot of talking and considering, we have decided to go ahead and try! My concern was not about genetic relationships with the baby. As I know from living with and loving my sisters, genetics do not a loving family make. I am more saddened that I will not be able to be the one to carry our baby in my belly...but I know I will carry it in my heart.

So, step two...choosing a donor. What a weird experience! We both feel strongly about choosing an anonymous donor. We looked at several spermbanks, and finally found the one we liked the most. After searching, discussing and searching some more, we narrowed down on choices. I wanted to find someone who looked and seemed like me, as it won't be genetically linked to me. At first I looked for exclusively Irish or English guys. Then I looked for guys who had my physical and personality characteristics. As soon as I saw this particular profile, I felt liked it was something I could have written. So did Catherine. We ordered extra info from him and our number two choice. Then my mom and Catherine and I sat down to look it all over.

The more we read about him, his medical history and family history, the more we liked him. The draw back: lots of freckles! The plus: intelligent, funny, honorable, and creative. His baby picture: adorable. We even heard his voice. It was great all together. I felt like I would like him. I wished his hopes and plans for the future would come true. It was decided: Donor 5750 was it!

Monday we call and order him up. From there on...we shall see! My mom and 10 year old sister are especially excited to have a baby around. I am excited and afraid to get excited. I know this could be a long ride, but I am hoping for the best!